


The Multiverse and You

by Alegend45



Category: Batman (Comics), Dragon Ball, Karate Kid (Movies), Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 03:49:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3921814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alegend45/pseuds/Alegend45
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With a genre varying wildly from outlandish comedy to shonen-type battling, follow Drakesh as the chosen one against a race of unknown alien masterminds, intent on wiping his entire species straight from the earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. lol wut

Do you ever get that feel when robot ninja vampire zombie t-rexes from the future attack and you're just an innocent bystander but then some random dude comes in and says “yo broyo, you've got to help us, you're the chosen one mang”?  
That's me right now. Seriously though, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you all about how I was the chosen one. So, I was like, whisked away to some boob fortress, where in the center, there was the almighty nipple wand. I held the thing in my hands, and I was just like “holy buttsex, dude, this is some crazy shit.”  
“you must harness the powers of the nipple wand to your own self-gratification and also to help us prevent the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse,” the random broyo said.  
And I'm just sitting here like “bro, I have no fucking clue how to use a nipple wand to jack off. I am doubly unsure of how to use it to prevent some weird-ass apocalypse that really sounds like the author's just fucking with us.”  
and he's just like “YOUR SHIT IS THE KEY” and then he just fades away, like yo, thanks for trying to save the world and shit, but damn that was really fucking useless.  
Like, i'm not even sure where the fuck this story even takes place, but dayum, I am certainly going to try to figure that shit out. I don't even know what year it is, man, i'm just fuckin clueless.  
Dayum, I just walked away and had fuckin writer's block from this shit. I did not know how to continue and that's some sad shit. It's been a few days. Let's continue my bullshit.  
So, I held this fuckin wand of the nipples and found a shit canister attached to it. I was like, yo dafuq, but then I was like, oh. Mmmmmm. I needed some shit to make me shit tho, so I used the teleportation powers of the nipple wand which I just made up on the fly to fuck with you guys HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS.  
BUT WAIT, A CHALLENGER APPEARS. THE FACT THAT I LIKE TITS, AND NOT DICK. AW SHIIIIIIIIET. WE FIGHT LIKE IT'S FUCKIN DRAGON BALL Z OR SOME SHIT, FLYIN AROUND SHOOTING LASERS AT EACH OTHER WITH OUR DICKS. MY ALLY OF BEING TRANS SHOWS UP AND UTTERLY DECIMATES THE CHALLENGER AND WE HIGH-FIVE AND BOOK IT.


	2. diarrhea murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DIARRHEA, THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE OH GOD THE HORROR

Anyway, I used the teleportation power of muh wandnipple to go to pf chang's. But not just ANY PF CHANG'S, but a pf chang's that was closed down for health code violations, because apparently the nipple wand can tell the difference and search for something like that like it's fuckin google. Or bing. But nobody talks about bing. Because bing is shit. Maybe yahoo? No, yahoo's even more shitty. It's so shitty it's ludacris. Wait... AHHHH I SEE WHAT I DID THERE. DAT WAS CLEAVER I'M GONNA STEAL THAT FROM MYSELF TO DOMINATE THE WORLD WHAAAAAA?  
I found some dank food still in storage, and I just ate that shit, mang. I ate it like I was at an eating contest. I sat there for a few hours WHEN SUDDENLY ALL AT ONCE THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND YOUNG SUNS SETS UPON MY ANAL SPHINCTER. I WAS GOING INTO FULL-ON DIARRHEA MODE BECAUSE I WAS A GRADE-A PRIME RETARD. I FELT LIKE I WAS ABOUT TO SHIT OUT PURE STOMACH ACID. A TORRENT OF BROWN MUCKY SHIT FUNNELED THROUGH MY ANUS AND THE SHIT CANISTER MAGICALLY GOBBLED THAT SHIT UP AND BURPED LIKE IT WAS FUCKIN TASTY. LIKE, DAFUQ, THAT'S MY DIARRHEA FROM STALE PF CHANG'S, THAT'S NOT TASTY. THAT'S MURDER.  
After ten minutes or so of pure diarrhea filth spewing from my ass, I sheepishly used the nipple wand to teleport to my shower, and I had a cold shower and cried.


	3. Chapter 3

FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCK DAMN SHIT FUCK HIATUS AND WRITER'S BLOCK HAVE DRAINED ALL WRITING ABILITIES FROM MY ANAL SPHINCTER. WHAT, YOU THINK I TYPE THIS WITH MY HANDS? NO, I TYPE THIS WITH FOCUSED AND FORCEFUL FARTS. ANYWAY, LET'S CONTINUE WITH THIS STUPID SHIT.

So I like finally stopped crying after a fuckin hour because I wanted my mommy but then I realized that she's dead because of the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse because I took too fucking long, and then I cried some more.

Once I was done “being a little GIRLY MAN” YES I KNOW THAT REINFORCES GENDER STEREOTYPES, BUT THAT'S A FUCKING JOKE, THE STEREOTYPE IS USED IN A COMEDIC MANNER, GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK, YOU GOD DAMN SJWS, I finally realized that my literal shitfit had substantially increased the power of the nipple wand. I teleported to the karate kid universe with the nipple wand's increased power, and yelled at mr miyagi because WASHING CARS WILL NOT FUCKING INCREASE YOUR GOD DAMN KARATE SKILLS, YOU MOTHERFUCKING LIAR. I then teleported to the dragon ball z universe to smack vegeta LOL GET REKT VEGETA FANBOYS AYY LMAO for not respecting his son enough.

Then I was like, “okay enough fuckin horsing around” and realized that the nipple wand could also time travel.

So I travelled back in time to when my mommy was still alive and ranted about “MY POOPY HURT” while eating haagen-dazs. It was a sad day for all mankind.


	4. Chapter 4

so I was like “YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD BABY RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND” BECAUSE FUCK COPYRIGHT I DO WHAT I WANT JUST LIEK THEM GIRLS ON MAURY/MORRY/MURRAY/HOWEVER THE FUCK THE DUMBASS GUESTS DECIDE TO CALL HIM at the strip club, picking up chicks like nobody's business, and all around being a sexist fucking pig. How did I get to the strip club? MOTHERFUCKING. MIRACLES. (also the nipple wand)

all in all, I was just doing stupid shit just like how the sudanese government started a war in darfur, except way less destructive, not only because it didn't involve wars, but also because I was just going to retcon it with time-travel, because the universe doesn't give two fucking shits if a group of particles goes backwards in time and changes shit. The universe is just gonna be all like “YO LEMME JUST ADJUST MY SHIT FOR YA” and time ripple everything at the speed of light. DON'T BELIEVE ME?! RESEARCH QUANTUM PHYSICS AND FUCKING PROVE ME WRONG! 1V1 ME IRL, M8. I'LL FUCKING DESTROY YOUR ANUS. WITH MY DICK. IT IS THAT HUGE.


	5. Chapter 5

so, I traveled back in time and killed myself to prevent that me from doing stupid shit. Fuckin sliced that dude in half. He really was a cut above the rest. AYY LMAO GET REKT PAST SELF! LE EBIN MAYMAYS ARE SO COOL XDDD.

Anyway, with my stupid shenanigans safely retconned, I started to think about the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse, and how to stop it. Since I had no fucking clue how to use the nipple wand in combat, I had to call upon the multiverse's most talented scientist: batman. First however, I needed to get another copy of the nipple wand for him to study.

So I travelled back in time before the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse even started, and got the nipple wand from the boob fortress. PARADOX ALERT BUT THAT SHIT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE OF THE WAY TIME-TRAVEL WORKS WOOHOO I BROKE ALL THE RULES! So I had two nipple wands now, so I figured i'd do something stupid with them.

I pooped into the new nipple wand's shit canister, and wished for two people to poop a single poop from one butthole to the other forever. My wish was granted, and it was fucking hilarious.


	6. Chapter 6

do you ever get that feel when your anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun? That's me right now. In fact, my anaconda don't want none so much because you have a miley cyrus flat ass. I mean, you know you have the potential for great bootylicious power. But with great bootylicious power comes great bootylicious responsibility. But fuck that noise, because i'm sick and tired of the societal norms we put on people. I know this doesn't make much sense now, but that's just because i'm tired and it's late at night. I promise something later on will reference this chapter, but I don't know when, since i'm writing these chapters in order from beginning to end.

However, I just want you to know this: if all goes according to plan, dude broyo gets nipple wanded will be novel-length, and you'll eventually be able to buy it on amazon for your kindle and shit. Shameless plugs for the story within the story are ironic, and that was part of the purpose of this chapter. I also wanted to write a chapter that seemingly has no relation to the rest of the story until later on, because it would be funny to watch the readers go “wait, I remember that from somewhere” then dig through all the previous chapters and they find it and it's just like “WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT THIS WAS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.” it will be some cool shit. Chapter 7 might be a bit longer than usual, as i'm introducing batman as a mentor to the main character. After that, I don't know where the story will go. I already know that there's going to be a big surprise though, and it'll flip the whole story on its head. Stay tuned and shit. It'll be worth it.


	7. Chapter 7

So I used the nipple wand to teleport to batman's universe, but as it was somewhat far, I had to stop by in a universe full of Wendy's restaurants AND NOTHING ELSE. Fucking baconators are the shit man. Had the biggest frosty they made too. It was just a universe fully of Wendy's restaurants that all gave out their food for free. It was fucking glorious. I'll have to go back there sometime.

Anyway, once I teleported into the batcave, I noticed something weird. Batman wasn't there. But then, as he came out of the shadows, he just said, “Hello. I have been expecting you... Drakesh...”

I was in utter shock and awe as batman knew my name and I immediately shot into a frenzy of fanboy bullshit, asking for approximately five million autographs to sell on ebay. He then smacked the shit out of me and said “I'm sorry, but I don't take that kind of bullshit. If you think you can waste my time like that, then leave! But I know you have bigger, more important business to take care of. Those T-Rexes that have been crushing your world? I know you want to stop them. And the only way you're going to that is by learning how to use this damn wand in combat!”

I just said sheepishly, “oh um okay... please don't hurt me...”

And that's how I met Batman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 ended up being shorter than expected. What was initially going to be a huge, monolithic chapter has now been split. I hope you have fun with that.


	8. Chapter 8

yo what up! i’ve gotten a whole lot stronger since i trained with batman! it was 6 months of grueling training, but i’m pretty sure it paid off. now that my training was finally complete, i said my farewells and left. now i’m sure you’ve noticed this, but this story’s gotten a lot more serious recently. be sure to expect a lot more of that, as i’m getting ready to finally kick some ass! but something is a bit off, and i’m not sure what. these t-rexes… i already knew they weren’t in any way normal, but they’re not anywhere close to the end of the plans the mastermind has in store! 

So stay tuned, as I’m about to discover more of the story, on the next chapter of Dude Broyo Gets Nipple Wanded!


	9. Chapter 9

“Drakesh, you’d better beat those bastards,” said Batman through a telepathic device.

“uh okay, i’ll uh try.”

“You better.”

i had just arrived back in my home universe at the approximate time that the apocalypse started, around the epicenter of it all. “where the fuck are the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rexes from the future?! did i seriously train all that time for fucking nothing? ugh,” i said.

“Trust me, they’re here.”

“how much longer?”

“About 10 seconds”

“OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FU-”

right when i was in the middle of a good long string of fucks, a meteor hit the street. they were here. when the shell of the capsule that pretended to be a meteor opened, i saw a giant t-rex step out. showtime, i thought. i screamed, “SHIT NIPPLE WAAAAAAAAAAAVE!”

as i screamed this, the nipple wand shot out a giant nipple propelled by shit. the t-rex, while roaring, accidentally ate the nipple. but i was prepared. i signalled the nipple to start lactating, and all of a sudden, shit began to spew out of every orifice the t-rex had, even its fucking pores began to ooze liquid shit, as though every pore was an asshole oozing diarrhea. surely, the sight was grotesque to any bystanders, but not me. i had seen this plenty of times before, during my training. i had become used to the magic shit the nipple wand tended to use as ammunition.

other capsules began to fall from the sky, and i quickly shot a shit nipple wave towards each one, destroying it quite quickly. the first t-rex had been killed as well. but soon enough, i realized that this was just too easy. as soon as i thought that, i heard a loud hum above me. as i looked towards the skies, i realized that this was not nearly the end of my journey. the spaceship quickly flew away at an astonishing speed, no doubt trying to plot their next move. i ate some trash and my ass spewed liquid filth into the nipple wand to power it up. i began to plot their trajectory and i flew towards them with the magic of the nipple wand. however, it could only fly at mach 7, and the spaceship was, according to Batman, massively faster than light, using some advanced alien magic. So after about a minute of chasing, i gave up.

i had to find another way to stop this.


	10. Chapter 10

A day had passed. I was waiting… Waiting for their next attack. Then, they came. They came with only their mothership, though, which disturbed me. Then, a cannon came out of the bottom. It started charging up massive amounts of energy. Batman radioed in, “DAMMIT DRAKESH, GET OUT OF THE WAY! THAT’S ENOUGH POWER TO DESTROY THE WHOLE PLANET!”

“OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT”

I teleported to Batman’s universe as quickly as I could. “I thought as much,” he said coldly, “These creatures are out of that wand’s league. There’s no way to stop them with that puny thing.”

“THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TRAIN ME ON HOW TO USE IT?!”

“To teach you that these guys won’t be beaten by gimmicks. I did some research on your universe, and it turns out that humans from your universe have some sort of spiritual life-force that can be manifested and trained to make you stronger. I’m sending you to another universe. One where a martial artist named Roshi can teach you how to use your energy.”

“Roshi… WAIT, YOU MEAN FROM-”

“Yes, from Dragon Ball.”

“Uhhh, are you sure he’s going to help?”

“I’ve already alerted him.”

I looked at him for a moment longer and with his nod, I went off to that universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the first story arc, which I will affectionately title the Drakesh Arc, due to the centering around Drakesh and his shenanigans. The story changes drastically from here, and I'm even going to change the title. Expect a more shonen battle manga feel to this story from now on.


	11. Chapter 11

So it looks like I arrived at Master Roshi’s house around the time Goku and Krillin started training there. “Hey Drak!”, the old man said, “I heard about ya from Batman! Now, do you have those porn magazines he promised?”

“...porn magazines???”

I was confused as Batman had never told him about porn magazines. I assumed this was simply to get Roshi to promise to train him.  
“Ah, dammit! He tricked me! Oh well, I’m a man of my word. Welcome aboard!”

“Wait, why can’t you just fap on the internet like the rest of us?”

“...That’s a fantastic point, man. I’ll have to get on that! Anyway, Goku, Krillin, meet your new training partner, Drakesh!”

“Hey, Drakesh! Nice to meet ya!”, Goku said.

“Uh, hey”, Krillin said begrudgingly, given Drakesh was 18 already and quite a bit taller than him.

“Alright, boys, your training begins now! You’re going to be delivering milk around this island!”, Roshi said with a start.

“Oh boy”, I said.


	12. Chapter 12

Eight months of Roshi’s grueling training soon passed. I was worried that his strange training regimen hadn’t done shit. He had made us wear 40 kilo turtle shells on our backs at one point to make us stronger. Eventually, it was time for the 21st Strongest Under the Heavens Martial Arts Tournament, or Tenkaichi Budoukai for short. He said this was for us to test our skills. I personally thought that was awesome, but I really thought I had better things to do. ...That is until I realized that the Nipple Wand can time travel and teleport, so really, there was no reason to be complaining.

Eventually, the day of the tournament arrived. Master Roshi finally let us take our turtle shells off. “See how high you can jump!”, Roshi goaded.

We did, and we all soared as high as the clouds.

The preliminaries were no biggie. We all defeated our opponents with ease. In the end, only eight people got to be in the tournament. Goku, Krillin, me, Jackie Chun (who I know to be Roshi), Yamcha, Giran, Nam, and Bacterian.


End file.
